I have developed hatred for a name. Of course, I really have developed hatred for a certain individual thus making his name utterly distasteful. It's a normal name, very wasp-y. I know at least ten people with the name. Sadly, as he is the biggest douche bag in all of douche town, my myriad pals with said name must forever be re-named. The bane of my existence whose name makes me throw up just a bit every time it is uttered truly holds the status as the epoch of boobery (king of all boobs). Due to my natural distaste for my own bile, I've decided to try out the following gems on my buddies with the evil name.
"So, you know how your parents named after your grandfather? Well, I think it only fitting to call you Grandpa from now on. I want to make sure I give your parents the respect they deserve by following their wishes to the letter. "
-or-
"What's going on with you, Mr. Man? You know you're a swell dude, dude. So swell, in fact, that I am going to call you Mr. Man from now on because a normal name is too pedestrian for you. Sound good?"
Perhaps another tack would prevail.
"Did you know you were named after a bathroom? Yeah. A shithouse, the crapper, the can. Wouldn't you prefer to go by your middle name to keep friends and loved ones from thinking of poo when thinking of you?"
-or-
"Did your parents miss out on the 60's? I bet they just picked your name to make sure everyone knew you where a white Protestant without meeting you. I think you should rebel against their conservative, insensitive ways. Choose a new name, my friend. Rail against the system! Lord Skyboner of the 21st Century has a nice ring to it, yes?"
I'll let you know how I do.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Nonsensical Ape: The Art of Reveling in Idiocy
1) Head Ape has been meeting with several would-be little monkeys about joining our office. When he goes through the info about our office, joining, what to expect et al, he does not inform them of dues and fees associated with becoming an official Dumbass Little Monkey. As all of our little monkeys must pay all dues prior to affiliation with our company, I am left explaining the fees to angry people who were unaware of these standard costs. This happened with most of the “new to the business” little monkeys I’ve processed over the past two years. This causes strife for a new little monkey and could easily be managed by Head Ape in his intro discussion. He doesn’t have to give a full breakdown of the fees but should be explaining the standards costs during that conversation. That way the prospective little monkeys are aware of everything up front instead of being surprised once they’ve committed to joining our office. I have explained this to Head Ape many times to no avail.
2) We had a little monkey who was with the office for many years. His production was always pretty low but he was a good worker. His parents became ill and he terminated his license while he was taking care of them. Once they passed, little monkey #1 decided to come back. Of course, and rightly so, Head Ape welcomed him back. But instead of getting all of his paperwork filled out, Head Ape wanted me to send Ron’s 45 day permit to the Oversight Jerks immediately—WITHOUT the rest of the legal paperwork. I explained the myriad reasons why we must follow procedure. I spelled out the fees, paperwork needed to both little monkey #1 as well as Head Ape. I received only half of the paperwork back and a note on the Crap Business Form stating “Pay out of first closing”. Now, this has always been a problem for this office. Head Ape refuses to tell little monkeys they have no choice but to pay their bills. I understand paying out of a closing as a last resort but I don’t see this little monkey having much in the way of production this year as he has been out of the game for a while. Additionally, waiting on the payment for crap business form just means more work for the company and no guarantee the fees will ever be paid.
3) Head Ape is constantly contradicting what the staff tells the little monkeys. As staff, we receive tons of instructional emails from various departments out of Main Ape Den such as procedural changes, new paperwork requirements, deadlines etc (all of which Head Ape receives as well). When we discuss these procedural changes with Head Ape, he agrees and says we should enforce them. Following these conversations when working with the little monkeys, we let the little monkeys know they cannot process their sales/ listings without all of the appropriate legal documents. The little monkeys then go to Head Ape complaining that the paperwork is not important and the staff would not complete the requested action. Head Ape then tells the little monkey not to worry about it; he’ll take care of it/make sure everything goes smoothly. Not only does this action make the staff appear unwilling to work with the little monkeys, but it also makes the little monkeys feel the staff is not on their side or that they “don’t know what they are talking about”. Examples of this are many but a few are as follows:
¨ Head Ape has told little monkeys they don’t need to worry about the redundant yet legally required form (after the redundant form coordinator from the Main Ape Hub told these little monkeys the paperwork could not be processed without the complete files per the ape legal department).
¨ He has said that we don’t need the signature for legal contract changes an email is sufficient to little monkeys who complain (even though we went back and forth on this issue with the legal department last year—the legal dept said we need the signatures because the courts have yet to catch up with technology).
¨ The marketing department will be working on various projects when a little monkey comes in and demands the employees stop what they are doing and create a new piece for their new listing. The designer will explain they would be happy to produce the piece as soon as they are finished with the current project. The little monkey balks and says they are more important than whatever the designer is doing for another little monkey, does an about face and goes to Head Ape. Head Ape then goes back to the marketing department and tells the designer to stop what they are doing and help the little monkey. Now, helping an angry little monkey is always part of our jobs but to push another producer’s needs aside because of a squeaky wheel doesn’t look good to the original requestor.
¨ Deadlines are never enforced as Head Ape is always waiting until the day after to request specialty ads for the little monkeys. I then have to scramble to get all of the information to an irritated corporate marketing department (which pushes more work onto them as well). Additionally, he has told many little monkeys to bill the ads to the office instead of paying for them (even when the little monkeys don’t have a marketing allotment left).
¨ I fill out quarterly marketing bills and distribute them to the little monkeys. The project takes me quite some time and is very labor intensive. Once I hand the invoices out, many of the little monkeys pay but many just go to Head Ape and he waives them. He waives the bulk of the amount owed to the office which is not only bad for our bottom line, but it makes the little monkeys think they can spend whatever they want. Additionally, as I spend quite a few hours working on the bills, having them ignored is a complete waste of my time and resources as an employee.
¨ In regards to the new signed ape-centric required legal disclosure, Head Ape is still not enforcing this with the little monkeys even though we were told it was required after April 1st. He said we should wait on further instruction from the legal department because he was unclear on some of the details.
4) As Head Ape is not in the office for very long each day, we are left with checks that need to go to the closing department without signed ape-centric contracts. We send in what we can but are struggling on a daily basis to get the correct paperwork sent in a timely fashion. As an office we do not want to violate escrow laws due to holding checks nor do we want to delay our little monkeys’ pay because we held on to a HUD as we didn’t have a signed-off signed ape-centric contracts. Now, as a managing broker, of course Head Ape is going to be out at manager’s meetings, recruitment appointments et al but the staff and myself find it questionable that he has so many which are usually at the beginning or end of the work day. Some of the little monkeys joke that banker’s wish they had his hours.
5) Head Ape is not “big picture” oriented. He forgets to do important tasks, such as getting back to little monkeys that had questions for him, completing follow-up with various departments on new programs or needs for the office. Many little monkeys have complained to me that they have to go back to him three and four times before he will do what they’ve asked.
6) Due to all of the reasons above (plus many more, I’m sure) I am left to deal with little monkeys, co-workers, corporate contacts and even clients who have been told something would happen that never does. Little monkeys come to me with procedural questions, listing advice, absorption rate questions et al even after they’ve spoken with Head Ape so they can “confirm” the information.
7) As the entire staff has adjusted to the loss of one person we’ve all been given additional duties to cover the staff absence. I have no problem acting as back-up for the entire staff when they are overwhelmed, out of the office, etc but I do not have the time to continue chasing after Head Ape for simple tasks. I usually end up doing what is of urgent need just to please the little monkeys/clients/staff. I feel at times I am working as a Head Ape on an admin salary.
8) When I applied for the position of Manager of Administrative Operation, I was both exited about the new job opportunity as well as the increase in salary from my original starting salary of $24,500. Head Ape discussed salary with HR Ape; she informed him that he was only allotted to increase my pay to $33,500. He and I both felt that this was grossly insufficient so we discussed a future title change. In lieu of Manager of Administrative Operations, we would call my position “Senior Handler of Ape Shit”. We would then review my performance and position in nine months and do a title change to Manager of Administrative Operations and apply for a pay increase to get me closer to what an office manager should make. Sadly, and this is my error, I did not get this agreement in writing. When I’ve brought it up with Head Ape he says “our office isn’t big enough to have an office manager”. Of course, I understand that the national economic downturn necessitated a pay increase/ hiring freeze and have no qualms with that explanation of my current salary and title. However, his about face explanation of the size of our office is irrelevant as we are one of the top producing offices in the region. I also replaced the last Manager of Administrative Operations (notice title) after he replaced another Manager of Administrative Operations (again with the title). Additionally, the previous manager made over $10k more than the last manager did and I make over $15k less than that. Of course, time with the company should be considered, but so should experience and job duties (both of which I have in spades). Now I am stuck without the increase, without the title, without any security due to his lack of consistency and management skills.
9) In relation to the above, Head Ape has an issue with titles. He would like to be called both Branch Manager as well as Managing Broker. It is of course, his prerogative to include both titles in any communication he so chooses. However, when I am dealing with office supply/ vendor issues and they ask for the manager, I ask them in return “Would you like to speak with the Managing Broker or the Office Manager?” I use the title office manager to gain clarity and direct the call to the appropriate party as no one knows what a Senior Handler of Ape Shit is. Upon hearing this once, Head Ape came to the front desk to correct me by saying “I’m the only one in this office with the title of Manager. You are the Senior Handler of Ape Shit.” I explained why I had used the phrase; for clarity and call direction. He seemed to accept this but I assured him I would only use the Senior Handler of Ape Shit title in the future. Of course, since then, when fielding these kinds of calls, I have to clarify that a Senior Handler of Ape Shit does the job of an office manager so they will speak with me. Not only was this all about semantics, it was also embarrassing for me as there were other staff members and little monkeys in the area.
10) On a similar point as number 9, I collected the employee self reviews for 2009 and brought them into Head Ape’s office to discuss and go over. I had signed Weekend Staff self-evaluation when I collected it from her over the weekend and brought it into Head Ape with the others. He said I needed to white out my name because I was not anyone’s manager. I asked him what Weekend Staff’s last name was. He didn’t know. I then asked how he could evaluate her without knowing something as basic as her name. He then asked me many questions about each employee and then signed off on everything I had said. He had NO contribution what so ever to the general process. He then sat me down again and reminded me that I was not a manager. Then I asked him, “If I am not a manager, why did I staff the weekend reception position, why do I deal with all staff vacation requests, disciplinary actions, HR issues etc? How can I be made to do these duties if I am not actually in the position to do so? He told me I should look at myself as a “big sister” to the rest of the “girls”. I found this to be grossly inadequate and highly offensive. He would NEVER have said something like that if I were a man. Now, I told him, if I am no one’s boss, I will not be conducting disciplinary actions/HR issues et al as apparently that is not part of my job. Of course, to make sure the office runs smoothly, still take care of all of these matters. My timecard hasn’t been approved in over two years by Head Ape. All timecards go through me (even though I am no one’s manager).
11) Head Ape has a tendency to treat staff members differently. For example: one staff member (Employee A) repeatedly made errors that upset a number of little monkeys. After having numerous conversations with Employee A on this matter, I spoke with Head Ape about a 1st written write-up. I also told Head Ape that as I am not a manager or supervisor, I should not be involved in the write-up; I do not feel comfortable administering something as important as that if I am not at the level to legally do so. Head Ape agreed and said he would have the conversation with Employee A. He asked me to fill out the write-up form and give it to him. Then, without completing a write-up, he told Employee A if she didn’t feel good or was unable to concentrate, she should just ask one of the girls in the back to come up and cover for her so she can take care of her personal issues. Of course, this Employee A found this to be quite odd as she knows she has two breaks and a lunch period for personal issues AND the rest of the staff is extremely busy and calling them up front every time she didn’t feel like working would be quite unfair. A second staff member, Employee B, made a mistake that upset one of the little monkeys. Head Ape took this staff member into his office and told her she needed to do her job and pay more attention. Standing alone, that action is perfectly appropriate response for Employee B. The problem lays in the inequality of treatment of various staff members. Staff always talks. No matter what the rules are, everyone trades stories, gossips, etc. That is life within an office. As this is a matter of general fact, it is imperative that all staff is treated equally. The inequality causes strife and resentment among the staff which in turn causes a decrease in general productivity and morale.
One last piece of the puzzle: I’ve had conversations with a few little monkeys who are (excuse the judgment) a bit needy. They have said openly that they would leave the office if Head Ape left because he is the only broker who will give them whatever they want. Since they know they can get away with anything, they continue to try new and interesting tricks to get free money from the company or to circumnavigate CB procedure. Oftentimes, Head Ape persuades these little monkeys to follow a different (less costly) route. However, oftentimes he gives in. Some of these little monkeys are quite good producers so I do worry about that attitude and the future of this office.
I apologize again for the ridiculous length of this email. These issues have been a bit pent up over the past few years. I have quite a hardy work ethic; I come in early four days a week and stay at least an hour late three to four days a week as well. As it stands, I work between 48-55 hours a week. That breaks my salary down to about $12 an hour. I know it is entirely my choice to work over the 40 hour week. However, I don’t want the little monkeys to suffer or the staff to stress because too many things are left undone. I am constantly doing “little things” at Head Ape’s request in lieu of time-sensitive job duties. This causes problems all around and if I don’t stay late/come early to finish my regular tasks, problems will inevitably arise.
Thanks for reading this and discussing these issues with me. I already feel a bit better having gotten some of this off of my chest.
2) We had a little monkey who was with the office for many years. His production was always pretty low but he was a good worker. His parents became ill and he terminated his license while he was taking care of them. Once they passed, little monkey #1 decided to come back. Of course, and rightly so, Head Ape welcomed him back. But instead of getting all of his paperwork filled out, Head Ape wanted me to send Ron’s 45 day permit to the Oversight Jerks immediately—WITHOUT the rest of the legal paperwork. I explained the myriad reasons why we must follow procedure. I spelled out the fees, paperwork needed to both little monkey #1 as well as Head Ape. I received only half of the paperwork back and a note on the Crap Business Form stating “Pay out of first closing”. Now, this has always been a problem for this office. Head Ape refuses to tell little monkeys they have no choice but to pay their bills. I understand paying out of a closing as a last resort but I don’t see this little monkey having much in the way of production this year as he has been out of the game for a while. Additionally, waiting on the payment for crap business form just means more work for the company and no guarantee the fees will ever be paid.
3) Head Ape is constantly contradicting what the staff tells the little monkeys. As staff, we receive tons of instructional emails from various departments out of Main Ape Den such as procedural changes, new paperwork requirements, deadlines etc (all of which Head Ape receives as well). When we discuss these procedural changes with Head Ape, he agrees and says we should enforce them. Following these conversations when working with the little monkeys, we let the little monkeys know they cannot process their sales/ listings without all of the appropriate legal documents. The little monkeys then go to Head Ape complaining that the paperwork is not important and the staff would not complete the requested action. Head Ape then tells the little monkey not to worry about it; he’ll take care of it/make sure everything goes smoothly. Not only does this action make the staff appear unwilling to work with the little monkeys, but it also makes the little monkeys feel the staff is not on their side or that they “don’t know what they are talking about”. Examples of this are many but a few are as follows:
¨ Head Ape has told little monkeys they don’t need to worry about the redundant yet legally required form (after the redundant form coordinator from the Main Ape Hub told these little monkeys the paperwork could not be processed without the complete files per the ape legal department).
¨ He has said that we don’t need the signature for legal contract changes an email is sufficient to little monkeys who complain (even though we went back and forth on this issue with the legal department last year—the legal dept said we need the signatures because the courts have yet to catch up with technology).
¨ The marketing department will be working on various projects when a little monkey comes in and demands the employees stop what they are doing and create a new piece for their new listing. The designer will explain they would be happy to produce the piece as soon as they are finished with the current project. The little monkey balks and says they are more important than whatever the designer is doing for another little monkey, does an about face and goes to Head Ape. Head Ape then goes back to the marketing department and tells the designer to stop what they are doing and help the little monkey. Now, helping an angry little monkey is always part of our jobs but to push another producer’s needs aside because of a squeaky wheel doesn’t look good to the original requestor.
¨ Deadlines are never enforced as Head Ape is always waiting until the day after to request specialty ads for the little monkeys. I then have to scramble to get all of the information to an irritated corporate marketing department (which pushes more work onto them as well). Additionally, he has told many little monkeys to bill the ads to the office instead of paying for them (even when the little monkeys don’t have a marketing allotment left).
¨ I fill out quarterly marketing bills and distribute them to the little monkeys. The project takes me quite some time and is very labor intensive. Once I hand the invoices out, many of the little monkeys pay but many just go to Head Ape and he waives them. He waives the bulk of the amount owed to the office which is not only bad for our bottom line, but it makes the little monkeys think they can spend whatever they want. Additionally, as I spend quite a few hours working on the bills, having them ignored is a complete waste of my time and resources as an employee.
¨ In regards to the new signed ape-centric required legal disclosure, Head Ape is still not enforcing this with the little monkeys even though we were told it was required after April 1st. He said we should wait on further instruction from the legal department because he was unclear on some of the details.
4) As Head Ape is not in the office for very long each day, we are left with checks that need to go to the closing department without signed ape-centric contracts. We send in what we can but are struggling on a daily basis to get the correct paperwork sent in a timely fashion. As an office we do not want to violate escrow laws due to holding checks nor do we want to delay our little monkeys’ pay because we held on to a HUD as we didn’t have a signed-off signed ape-centric contracts. Now, as a managing broker, of course Head Ape is going to be out at manager’s meetings, recruitment appointments et al but the staff and myself find it questionable that he has so many which are usually at the beginning or end of the work day. Some of the little monkeys joke that banker’s wish they had his hours.
5) Head Ape is not “big picture” oriented. He forgets to do important tasks, such as getting back to little monkeys that had questions for him, completing follow-up with various departments on new programs or needs for the office. Many little monkeys have complained to me that they have to go back to him three and four times before he will do what they’ve asked.
6) Due to all of the reasons above (plus many more, I’m sure) I am left to deal with little monkeys, co-workers, corporate contacts and even clients who have been told something would happen that never does. Little monkeys come to me with procedural questions, listing advice, absorption rate questions et al even after they’ve spoken with Head Ape so they can “confirm” the information.
7) As the entire staff has adjusted to the loss of one person we’ve all been given additional duties to cover the staff absence. I have no problem acting as back-up for the entire staff when they are overwhelmed, out of the office, etc but I do not have the time to continue chasing after Head Ape for simple tasks. I usually end up doing what is of urgent need just to please the little monkeys/clients/staff. I feel at times I am working as a Head Ape on an admin salary.
8) When I applied for the position of Manager of Administrative Operation, I was both exited about the new job opportunity as well as the increase in salary from my original starting salary of $24,500. Head Ape discussed salary with HR Ape; she informed him that he was only allotted to increase my pay to $33,500. He and I both felt that this was grossly insufficient so we discussed a future title change. In lieu of Manager of Administrative Operations, we would call my position “Senior Handler of Ape Shit”. We would then review my performance and position in nine months and do a title change to Manager of Administrative Operations and apply for a pay increase to get me closer to what an office manager should make. Sadly, and this is my error, I did not get this agreement in writing. When I’ve brought it up with Head Ape he says “our office isn’t big enough to have an office manager”. Of course, I understand that the national economic downturn necessitated a pay increase/ hiring freeze and have no qualms with that explanation of my current salary and title. However, his about face explanation of the size of our office is irrelevant as we are one of the top producing offices in the region. I also replaced the last Manager of Administrative Operations (notice title) after he replaced another Manager of Administrative Operations (again with the title). Additionally, the previous manager made over $10k more than the last manager did and I make over $15k less than that. Of course, time with the company should be considered, but so should experience and job duties (both of which I have in spades). Now I am stuck without the increase, without the title, without any security due to his lack of consistency and management skills.
9) In relation to the above, Head Ape has an issue with titles. He would like to be called both Branch Manager as well as Managing Broker. It is of course, his prerogative to include both titles in any communication he so chooses. However, when I am dealing with office supply/ vendor issues and they ask for the manager, I ask them in return “Would you like to speak with the Managing Broker or the Office Manager?” I use the title office manager to gain clarity and direct the call to the appropriate party as no one knows what a Senior Handler of Ape Shit is. Upon hearing this once, Head Ape came to the front desk to correct me by saying “I’m the only one in this office with the title of Manager. You are the Senior Handler of Ape Shit.” I explained why I had used the phrase; for clarity and call direction. He seemed to accept this but I assured him I would only use the Senior Handler of Ape Shit title in the future. Of course, since then, when fielding these kinds of calls, I have to clarify that a Senior Handler of Ape Shit does the job of an office manager so they will speak with me. Not only was this all about semantics, it was also embarrassing for me as there were other staff members and little monkeys in the area.
10) On a similar point as number 9, I collected the employee self reviews for 2009 and brought them into Head Ape’s office to discuss and go over. I had signed Weekend Staff self-evaluation when I collected it from her over the weekend and brought it into Head Ape with the others. He said I needed to white out my name because I was not anyone’s manager. I asked him what Weekend Staff’s last name was. He didn’t know. I then asked how he could evaluate her without knowing something as basic as her name. He then asked me many questions about each employee and then signed off on everything I had said. He had NO contribution what so ever to the general process. He then sat me down again and reminded me that I was not a manager. Then I asked him, “If I am not a manager, why did I staff the weekend reception position, why do I deal with all staff vacation requests, disciplinary actions, HR issues etc? How can I be made to do these duties if I am not actually in the position to do so? He told me I should look at myself as a “big sister” to the rest of the “girls”. I found this to be grossly inadequate and highly offensive. He would NEVER have said something like that if I were a man. Now, I told him, if I am no one’s boss, I will not be conducting disciplinary actions/HR issues et al as apparently that is not part of my job. Of course, to make sure the office runs smoothly, still take care of all of these matters. My timecard hasn’t been approved in over two years by Head Ape. All timecards go through me (even though I am no one’s manager).
11) Head Ape has a tendency to treat staff members differently. For example: one staff member (Employee A) repeatedly made errors that upset a number of little monkeys. After having numerous conversations with Employee A on this matter, I spoke with Head Ape about a 1st written write-up. I also told Head Ape that as I am not a manager or supervisor, I should not be involved in the write-up; I do not feel comfortable administering something as important as that if I am not at the level to legally do so. Head Ape agreed and said he would have the conversation with Employee A. He asked me to fill out the write-up form and give it to him. Then, without completing a write-up, he told Employee A if she didn’t feel good or was unable to concentrate, she should just ask one of the girls in the back to come up and cover for her so she can take care of her personal issues. Of course, this Employee A found this to be quite odd as she knows she has two breaks and a lunch period for personal issues AND the rest of the staff is extremely busy and calling them up front every time she didn’t feel like working would be quite unfair. A second staff member, Employee B, made a mistake that upset one of the little monkeys. Head Ape took this staff member into his office and told her she needed to do her job and pay more attention. Standing alone, that action is perfectly appropriate response for Employee B. The problem lays in the inequality of treatment of various staff members. Staff always talks. No matter what the rules are, everyone trades stories, gossips, etc. That is life within an office. As this is a matter of general fact, it is imperative that all staff is treated equally. The inequality causes strife and resentment among the staff which in turn causes a decrease in general productivity and morale.
One last piece of the puzzle: I’ve had conversations with a few little monkeys who are (excuse the judgment) a bit needy. They have said openly that they would leave the office if Head Ape left because he is the only broker who will give them whatever they want. Since they know they can get away with anything, they continue to try new and interesting tricks to get free money from the company or to circumnavigate CB procedure. Oftentimes, Head Ape persuades these little monkeys to follow a different (less costly) route. However, oftentimes he gives in. Some of these little monkeys are quite good producers so I do worry about that attitude and the future of this office.
I apologize again for the ridiculous length of this email. These issues have been a bit pent up over the past few years. I have quite a hardy work ethic; I come in early four days a week and stay at least an hour late three to four days a week as well. As it stands, I work between 48-55 hours a week. That breaks my salary down to about $12 an hour. I know it is entirely my choice to work over the 40 hour week. However, I don’t want the little monkeys to suffer or the staff to stress because too many things are left undone. I am constantly doing “little things” at Head Ape’s request in lieu of time-sensitive job duties. This causes problems all around and if I don’t stay late/come early to finish my regular tasks, problems will inevitably arise.
Thanks for reading this and discussing these issues with me. I already feel a bit better having gotten some of this off of my chest.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Fuck your fucking face uncle fuckers
It is time, no it is past time, to bitch once more about the dreadful ceaseless hole into which i have been tumbling these past six months.
things i have learned about my company today:
1. Staff vacation accrual has been cut from 8 hours a month to 6.
2. The office is suddenly open and to be fully staffed the day after Thanksgiving.
3. There will be no cost of living increases nor "merrit" raises this fiscal year. *note- we have never received merit increases in this office.*
4. Staff must take vacation overage at times set forth by the company.
5. All employees are to report (even the suspicion of) non compliant behavior by any other employee of the company to our annonymous company "tip-line".
i would rather stick hot, rusty needles under my fingernails while floating in a barrel of salted lemon juice than remain in the employ of this increasingly satanic big brother organization.
things i have learned about my company today:
1. Staff vacation accrual has been cut from 8 hours a month to 6.
2. The office is suddenly open and to be fully staffed the day after Thanksgiving.
3. There will be no cost of living increases nor "merrit" raises this fiscal year. *note- we have never received merit increases in this office.*
4. Staff must take vacation overage at times set forth by the company.
5. All employees are to report (even the suspicion of) non compliant behavior by any other employee of the company to our annonymous company "tip-line".
i would rather stick hot, rusty needles under my fingernails while floating in a barrel of salted lemon juice than remain in the employ of this increasingly satanic big brother organization.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
sigh.
You have got to be smoking crack if you honestly think this is a good idea. I mean really, did little brain eating gnomes tiptoe into your ear as you slumbered your bossly sleep in the night to munch munch munch away any semblance of grey matter you had previously developed? Because let me tell you something, what you want – the idea of a “senior” admin assistant in the position in lieu of an office manager – the idea that someone will do all of the work and take on the stress of a manager only to be paid on an admin scale – will send anyone with a shred of remaining sanity to the highest of hills.
You, my numskulled pal, have got to be planning a coup. That is the only logical explanation for your seemingly insane scheme. Perhaps you are not a total moronic pin head of a man. Perhaps, you are vying for the downfall of our office, you crafty stretched devil you. Did you buy stock in another firm? Or perhaps some insider trading is the vaguely masked cause of this sudden and inexplicable change of plan. As there is no way a sane and non masochistic person would come up with this proposal. That must be it! You are begging for the office to fail. You must be waiting, fingers terse and tented, for the call from corporate to lock the doors for good. Because if you follow through with this utter epoch of buffoonery MORE of your agents will soon succeed from our union gleefully running arms agape like rats from a burning building away… far far away… from our office and our company.
If you are not scheming for destruction, I cannot fathom your reasons save this: you want to save money. You want some asshole to take on the burden of drudging tight this rickety cart you call an office under the weight of ten thousand screaming infants while being corporally whipped until bleeding and foaming at the mouth all the while having to count pennies to feed their stomach and soul.
Well listen close as I do not want to repeat myself… I am NOT the asshole for which you yearn. You may well believe the job can be done by any fifth grader with the knowledge to tie ones own shoe but no… NO… you had that already. Remember? She was drunk, left her leg in the office, her heart at the bar, and peed on the furniture. Are you longing for the bygone days? Do you miss the smell of vomit and whiskey with your morning report? If you do, then by all means, continue down this path of sticky self destruction. Your actions bode well for that future. Organizational and mental health death is afoot. It is what is bound to occur.
You, my numskulled pal, have got to be planning a coup. That is the only logical explanation for your seemingly insane scheme. Perhaps you are not a total moronic pin head of a man. Perhaps, you are vying for the downfall of our office, you crafty stretched devil you. Did you buy stock in another firm? Or perhaps some insider trading is the vaguely masked cause of this sudden and inexplicable change of plan. As there is no way a sane and non masochistic person would come up with this proposal. That must be it! You are begging for the office to fail. You must be waiting, fingers terse and tented, for the call from corporate to lock the doors for good. Because if you follow through with this utter epoch of buffoonery MORE of your agents will soon succeed from our union gleefully running arms agape like rats from a burning building away… far far away… from our office and our company.
If you are not scheming for destruction, I cannot fathom your reasons save this: you want to save money. You want some asshole to take on the burden of drudging tight this rickety cart you call an office under the weight of ten thousand screaming infants while being corporally whipped until bleeding and foaming at the mouth all the while having to count pennies to feed their stomach and soul.
Well listen close as I do not want to repeat myself… I am NOT the asshole for which you yearn. You may well believe the job can be done by any fifth grader with the knowledge to tie ones own shoe but no… NO… you had that already. Remember? She was drunk, left her leg in the office, her heart at the bar, and peed on the furniture. Are you longing for the bygone days? Do you miss the smell of vomit and whiskey with your morning report? If you do, then by all means, continue down this path of sticky self destruction. Your actions bode well for that future. Organizational and mental health death is afoot. It is what is bound to occur.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
fugfugfugfuggers
-wow- who knew it was possible to go from normal mood to i hate the world in less than ten minutes.
evidently i haven't been giving myself enough credit because i have made it to bitch and back faster than the speed of a prom night erection.
and i'm none too pleased about it.
why you ask?
wait... you don't ask. there is only one person who reads this stoopid fucking blog.
i'll just call her instead.
evidently i haven't been giving myself enough credit because i have made it to bitch and back faster than the speed of a prom night erection.
and i'm none too pleased about it.
why you ask?
wait... you don't ask. there is only one person who reads this stoopid fucking blog.
i'll just call her instead.
Monday, April 7, 2008
bitching, about one's job? how original.
so it is apparent, quite evident in fact, that i am not good with a secret. wait, let me make a small amendment to that statement. will i run tell when someone confides a bad case of crabs? nay. i keep others personal items in the close comfort of my warm bosom. also, am i one to blab about and spoil a surprise party? no, i would not tell if it would ruin a fun time as i am quite the fun time gal. what i am lacking in regards to secret keeping is the ability to hold gossipy secrets close. of what i have been harshly made aware today, is that i am not the best at keeping work gossip especially in check. i am also not good at keeping the fact that i am irritated a secret. does any of this make sense? probably not. so i shall expound.
me beloved boss, my office manager/college friend extraordinaire, is putting in his notice today. BOO i say! i love him, have known him for years n' years, he keeps me sane at this place of insanity. sad-weep-sniff-tear-cry. as mournful as his inevitable departure is, a possible upside exists to his leaving. the silver lining to this event is i will perhaps/likely be promoted to his position. that would mean an almost doubling in salary and the ability to make some positive changes in the ol' real estate office. now, you may be wondering, what is the problem with this news? why is discussing these details something about which i should bitch?
because i told an agent (who is cool, who gives no reason nor historic president, of sharing this news) about the departure and possible promotion BEFORE me boss told the top boss in our office (hereto referred to as "Big Boss" though there is probably nothing big about him... ahem) . the background goes a lil sumptin likea dis...
big boss promised mac (the agent to whom i spilled the beans) that if mac would return to our company, he would have a personal marketing guru (ie me). mac returned, i worked on his items. mac was heartily pleased. however, some of mac's items were subsequently assigned to others in the marketing department. mac did not care for this as said items were delayed/a lil fucked up/crowded with the endless amounts of other work the marketing chicks must complete/in other words not-a-personal-marketing-guru. so mac went back to big boss and said, if procrast the great does not get promoted to do all of my marketing & more money i will once again leave the company. to which big boss replied, well, that sound like a splendid idea. i'm sure we can get that fixed. as a matter of fact, i'll write down some notes for further review.
big boss's notes as follows:
boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies. oh! i hear an airplane outside! stewardess stewardess stewardess with boobies boobies boobies.
then me boss finally told big boss his plans. big boss says to me boss... well, i believe procrast will be great for the job and i know mac and the other agents will want her, but i think it will be a challenge to have her manage other people who have been here longer. to which me boss replies, i can see it would be difficult, but she's up to it. she knows the issues at hand, she's not a total rtard. big boss then added this gem, "well, i think it would be best if we opened the position to all of the staff and hold interviews."
now... this sounds like a fair idea, no? would it not be pertinent to allow those with higher seniority to toss their hat in the ring? of course it would!!! that is... under normal circumstances. the problem with big boss' idea is the disorder and general mayhem which is bound to ensue within the coming months both angers and frightens me. you see, we will hold general elections, there will be hanging chads, there will be recounts, supreme court rulings, et all. and during the tornado of applications/interviews/interviews with corporate/ blah blah blah, i will have to do me boss' job sans me boss' pay. i will likely end up with the job and the salary increase but only after fifteen rounds with every waiting dick in the wings. and the rest, the rest rests in time and tenacity. do i know what that means either? no.
the only thing i do know for certain, is that i talk about work too much for my own good.
salut me boss
salut me old job
salut me splinter of remaining sanity.
bonjour annoyance.
me beloved boss, my office manager/college friend extraordinaire, is putting in his notice today. BOO i say! i love him, have known him for years n' years, he keeps me sane at this place of insanity. sad-weep-sniff-tear-cry. as mournful as his inevitable departure is, a possible upside exists to his leaving. the silver lining to this event is i will perhaps/likely be promoted to his position. that would mean an almost doubling in salary and the ability to make some positive changes in the ol' real estate office. now, you may be wondering, what is the problem with this news? why is discussing these details something about which i should bitch?
because i told an agent (who is cool, who gives no reason nor historic president, of sharing this news) about the departure and possible promotion BEFORE me boss told the top boss in our office (hereto referred to as "Big Boss" though there is probably nothing big about him... ahem) . the background goes a lil sumptin likea dis...
big boss promised mac (the agent to whom i spilled the beans) that if mac would return to our company, he would have a personal marketing guru (ie me). mac returned, i worked on his items. mac was heartily pleased. however, some of mac's items were subsequently assigned to others in the marketing department. mac did not care for this as said items were delayed/a lil fucked up/crowded with the endless amounts of other work the marketing chicks must complete/in other words not-a-personal-marketing-guru. so mac went back to big boss and said, if procrast the great does not get promoted to do all of my marketing & more money i will once again leave the company. to which big boss replied, well, that sound like a splendid idea. i'm sure we can get that fixed. as a matter of fact, i'll write down some notes for further review.
big boss's notes as follows:
boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies boobies. oh! i hear an airplane outside! stewardess stewardess stewardess with boobies boobies boobies.
then me boss finally told big boss his plans. big boss says to me boss... well, i believe procrast will be great for the job and i know mac and the other agents will want her, but i think it will be a challenge to have her manage other people who have been here longer. to which me boss replies, i can see it would be difficult, but she's up to it. she knows the issues at hand, she's not a total rtard. big boss then added this gem, "well, i think it would be best if we opened the position to all of the staff and hold interviews."
now... this sounds like a fair idea, no? would it not be pertinent to allow those with higher seniority to toss their hat in the ring? of course it would!!! that is... under normal circumstances. the problem with big boss' idea is the disorder and general mayhem which is bound to ensue within the coming months both angers and frightens me. you see, we will hold general elections, there will be hanging chads, there will be recounts, supreme court rulings, et all. and during the tornado of applications/interviews/interviews with corporate/ blah blah blah, i will have to do me boss' job sans me boss' pay. i will likely end up with the job and the salary increase but only after fifteen rounds with every waiting dick in the wings. and the rest, the rest rests in time and tenacity. do i know what that means either? no.
the only thing i do know for certain, is that i talk about work too much for my own good.
salut me boss
salut me old job
salut me splinter of remaining sanity.
bonjour annoyance.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Typically, titanic treatment of tagmemics tampers tonicity.
An astronomic amount of alliteration abjures for an avalanche of Advil.
So there are a few agents in my office who feel the need to "write with flare" when marketing their real estate. I just wrote up the following description for some craptastic, overly priced, cookie-cutter, high rise, piece of garbage. And it goes a lil' something like this:
This beautiful two bedroom, two bath, unit in the bountiful Palmolive, boasts all your buyer desires. (notice the rhyme? yeah.) Staggering upgrades include: Chef's kitchen with stainless steel appliances, stylish Grohe fixtures, stunning slate tiles, solid granite counters, superior double oven and more! Great open floorplan, generous room sizes, grand 10' ceilings, gleaming hardwood floors, glorious stone spa bath. Master suite with massive walk-in-closet, mamoth built-in's modified for the latest technology.
There is more but I cannot force myself to continue with the debotchery that is "marketing". Excuse me, won't you, while I immediately induce illness and remove all ingurgitated and/or imbibed items.
Vom.
So there are a few agents in my office who feel the need to "write with flare" when marketing their real estate. I just wrote up the following description for some craptastic, overly priced, cookie-cutter, high rise, piece of garbage. And it goes a lil' something like this:
This beautiful two bedroom, two bath, unit in the bountiful Palmolive, boasts all your buyer desires. (notice the rhyme? yeah.) Staggering upgrades include: Chef's kitchen with stainless steel appliances, stylish Grohe fixtures, stunning slate tiles, solid granite counters, superior double oven and more! Great open floorplan, generous room sizes, grand 10' ceilings, gleaming hardwood floors, glorious stone spa bath. Master suite with massive walk-in-closet, mamoth built-in's modified for the latest technology.
There is more but I cannot force myself to continue with the debotchery that is "marketing". Excuse me, won't you, while I immediately induce illness and remove all ingurgitated and/or imbibed items.
Vom.
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