Common Work Faux Pas as presented in letter form.

Dear Madam,

As you have worked in the professional world for some time, you should already be aware of certain norms and customs of the professional world. However, I have had myriad complaints regarding your performance. I feel the time to address concerns is past due. I apologize if any oversight or lax communique has lead to this unfortunate and uncomfortable situation. Please allow me to remedy this error and explain correct behavior in an efficient, numbered list.

1. It is unclear at this time if you have attended/finished any secondary information. Until we at the company follow up on this point, please remember the following grammatical tips for every day use.

• Verb Tense-- Present perfect tense: I have seen. Simple past tense: I saw. There is no tense which would allow for the use of "I seen" under any circumstances. Please discontinue use immediately.


• Double Negatives-- Sadly for both lovers of Shakespeare as well as famed psychedelic rockers Pink Floyd, double negatives are not used in modern professional language. For example, "we don't need no education" though thoroughly acceptable as a song lyric, is not appropriate under business and professional standards. Please discontinue use of phrases such as, "I don't got no..." and/or "I don't need nothing". From this point on, please use the tense agreement in conjunction with the single negative phrasing such as, "I do not have any..." and/or "I do not need anything."


• Contraction vs. Preposition-- Would of and would've are not interchangeable. In fact, there is no correct time to use the phrase "would of" to construe present perfect simple tense. Please desist.

2. Bathroom etiquette is something of a coarse subject but is, evidently, a subject we must breach. Please leave the bathroom in the appropriately clean condition in which you found it. Paper towels need not litter the floor, nor water be left splashed about the sink and vanity area. Additionally, a lidded trash receptacle, power exhaust fan, and air freshener are always available for use. We encourage the latter most fervently.

3. One is free in a casual corporate environment such as this to use parochial language within a private conversation among friends. It is not recommended to use such phrases as, "The only pussy I like is my own." openly within a professional setting. It is easy to forget oneself and blurt out inappropriate thoughts. It is much easier, however, for a listener of said thought to take offense and subsequently file suit. Sexual harassment comes in many forms. At present, we do not carry enough insurance to cover further complaints.

At this time, I shall refrain from listing any further grievances. I do not want to bog down your psyche and/or already lackadaisical work performance. Please read, study, and review this list. I will discuss your thoughts on this subject during out next meeting. Until then, know these concerns have been aired only out of duty and the inability to fire you. Please also remember that due to your length of employment, regardless of your odoriferous malcontent-ed idiocy, still make more money than I.

Sincerely and with a full lack of respect,

The Woefully Underemployed